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02 August 2013 @ 03:25 pm
I don't feel I want that much out of life, is it so wrong to want to not be in constant pain? Ok I've basically accepted I'll be in constant pain but I'm hoping for like a 6 out of 10 instead of the usual 7 or 8. I just want to have something resembling a life, maybe I job that doesn't completely suck, right now the only job I think I could physically do is telemarketing, some friends and the ability to get out of the house more than once a week. but apparently that's asking too much. I don't know what's wrong w/ me lately I get depressed so easily.

On a happier note I took a painting class last week. It actually turned out decent. I hope I'm able to go tomorrow but given that I wanna knaw my leg off right now I doubt it.
Current Mood: draineddrained
03 November 2011 @ 09:42 pm
Poor Stinky,my kitty has been having eye problems of late his right eye has been bugging him and there;s been some discharge it looked like tear stains some dogs get. it would get worse and better on and off for months. Finally we took him in to see my uncle Loren the vet (I know my friends are like WTF we know this stuff! But I DO have online friends. I just haven't talked to them in forever cause I'm never on the computer but i wouldn't mind reconnecting w/ Stacey and Erin,) He usually likes car rides but it probably didn't help that when he wanted to go out I shoved him in a carrier and then let Garth out.

Anyway it turns out it was not an eye infection like we guess so the good news is no kitty eye drops. Bad news he has to have surgery which means he's spending the night at the vet's. It turns out stink is more special that we thought! Loren's been in practice for like 40 years and he says he's only seen about half a dozen cases in cats.. but it's very common in some breeds of dogs. Stink has Entropion. God doesn't that sound like a bad name for a persciption medicine?
anyway his lower eyelid rolls in a bit so all the hair on the eyelid irritates the eye. It's a rather simple operation were the surgeon removes a bit of the eyelid, the trick is finding out how much to take it's basically guess work.

I know it's for the best and he's in the best possible hands (Loren was one of the first vets to operate successfully on an emu's legs, I don't know why you'd want to but it was a big deal at the time.) I still keep seeing stink's sad little face in that cage. I basically wanted to stay out running errands all day to keep from thinking about it.

The worst part is we came home w/o Stink to that horrible bitch of a foster cat. She's so freaking happy that stink is gone you know cause he committed the horrible crime of existing! I still can't believe the wait list for animal surrender and Wayside Waifs was 5 months! Fortunately there's another no-kill animal shelter we can try.Then we'll be rid of her!
I'm gonna try writing on this thing more often it's just that I never seem to have anything to write about at least not anything worth writing about (I hurt, I'm going to hurt till I die blah blah blah.) But I did have an interesting encounter w/ a trick or treater w/ down syndrome that didn't want to leave and wanted to come in and say hi to my parents.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
14 February 2008 @ 10:11 am
I'm actually up before noon for the first time in a long time. I haven't posted or written in such a long time cause I felt I'd always write the same thing: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." I've been really depressed lately. I think some of the reoccurring depression is because we don't have the lake house anymore there's no place for me to go and feel at ease and forget my troubles anymore. I just feel like I'm going to explode. As much as I'd like to just go somewhere to relax, they're no place I can think of and I can't be well enough to get there! I hate talking to mom about it because it just makes her feel worse and there's nothing she can do all she can offer me is "things will be better when it's spring and we can get out." I never remind her that that's what she's been saying every winter for almost a decade. I have trouble talking to any of my friend about it, 'cause even though they'd be more than willing to listen there's only so many times I can say "I hurt and I'm tired all the time and I can't get out of the house therefore I seem to have no future." Crying just seems futile and I'm always afraid I'll start and not be able to stop. Plus after word I don't feel any better there isn't a 'release' anymore. I can't seem to do any activities that I used to enjoy. and I'm so sick of wasting my life away in front of the TV. I have a lot of good things in my life, but I'd like to be able and go out and live it.

I hate the fact that I'm so depressed and can't stop myself. I even manage to still see joy in the little things in my daily life (like the cat doing something cute) but it doesn't really help.
I'd like to just go somewhere, do something. I often have expectation when I wake up, "I know! I'll call ___ and we'll go to ___" but then I get up and start to hurt or I realize that my goal is unrealistic. I just am so frustrated I don't know what to do.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
27 July 2006 @ 04:13 pm
well ok we already knew that but this makes it more awesome
04 July 2005 @ 06:27 am
Oh what I would give to say my life wasn't Hell right now. The past 2 weeks I've found it hard to get out of bed in the morning because there is no point. And for the past 10 minutes every few minutes I find myself twitching and crying out in pain. Sometimes I'm able to bite one of my fingers instead of scream but neither is plesant.

Last Monday after spending the day w/ Caroline at the mall my dad told me he was going to have surgery the next day. too much pain/ dizziness more on this later.
Ya know the Christians may have figured out the key to salvation, but why haven't they figured out I don't need a home loan from them? I mean I think figuring out NOT to stone Jesus in an angry mob would be a good start to salvation but the key to salvation, I think that'd be a lot harder to figure out than just asking me "do you want a home loan?" The Christians are spamming me w/ home loan offers and free bible offers. I seriously think it's funny.
“Neko’sCollapse )
It’s Neko’s favorite day of the year! June 1 my birthday! Now let’s all set me a flame and spin me around and rejoice! (Caroline that was me being weird, don’t worry) Remember to blow me (out) and make a wish!
I have no idea where that came from…
Damn it! Where is my Gay dancing carrot icon! T.T I need a new icon… but I’d also like my gay carrot icon…
Some thing I JUST thought of.. back to my first thought... why don't the Christians just use "God says you need a home loan!" for their subject title. Or "Conect with God! at a new low APR!" or something like that.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
Current Music: sound of dehumidifieyer
28 May 2005 @ 12:43 pm
This was actually written yesterday May 27 2005
Monique, Brandon and Matt came over last night. I returned one of her calls and she was like "Hey can me and some people come over?" I asked her to define some people. "Like me and Brandon and Matt. I figured we should have a party. Let's have a party." I was really hesitant, but at the same time I figured it might be better than sitting around moping by myself. She told me her time frame and I pointed out by the time they finished what they were doing, got Brandon and came all the way out here I'd prabably hurt really bad (As I tend to do in the late afternoon/evening hours.) But she said she really wanted to see me. So a agreed. I was doing OK until about fifteen minutes before they got to my house. by the time they got here I felt like I could barely walk but I had already agreed that no matter how bad I hurt I wouldn't make them turn around and go right back home. It was good to see Brandon again. I really wish I got to see him more often as we always seem to have a good time. Not only that, but he also calls Monique on her BS. It was also good to see Matt, I really like Matt but it's just so awkward around him. It seems he never talks to me unless someone else starts a conversation and there's only so many times I can say "How's school" and "how've you been?" Poor Matt it just seems as if Monique drags him along to see me to save gas or something. I always feel so stupid around him cause by the time Monique gets out here I'm in a drugged stupor.
So they get here we chat, Monique grabs my computer (as always.) Then we decide to get pizza, I make Monique do it. Big Credit Card Saga ensues. Pizza gets here. Monique picks Tivo shows that she's not even watching because she's too busy looking at suicide girls and trying to draw (also as usual.) So much for really wanting to see me. It felt more like she really wanted to see my computer. I'm trying to give her some room here cause I know how it is when you really wanna draw, but it seemed to me she made a big deal about wanting to see me. Brandon and I had fun though, God poor matt... If I wasn't so a)stressed b)tired and c)in pain I would have made more of an effort to talk to him. I feel really bad about that in retrospect. I was about ready to kick them out when I noticed Monique had laid down on the couch. I figured I'd let her rest but then she kept arguing with people every few minutes. I finally said that I was going to bed soon and that got her up and moving. So I said goodnight and went to bed.

God after seeing her stretched out on the couch like that I really wish that Monique would take better care of her self. She doesn't have to be doing something all the time. She should get more rest. But if I actually said that she'd say how she can't sleep or something like that which is funny because around me it's true she doesn't sleep, she passes out. Then there is the fact that she tries to make EVERY band practice no matter how ridiculous the time. There is one thing I know and that is artistic people DO NOT do time, under any circumstances. She’s worried about how ‘fat’ she is but quite frankly I’m more worried about her going to the Westport gas station in the middle of the night just so she can save 15 cents per gallon. That’s neither tough nor brave that’s stupid.

From now on I’m going to try not to fix the relations of others. You wanna hate someone? Fine. You wanna believe you’re hated so you can be a melodramatic prima-donna? Fine. I find it slightly funny that they consider three phone calls of not getting a hold of one another or less “trying” to save a friendship. I decided to give up when I realized that the people in question try harder at everything else in their lives, so if they really wanted to reconcile they could.
27 May 2005 @ 01:57 pm
I've been thinking that my 5 closest friends have been drifting apart for a while now but it wansn't until the other day that it actually hit me I was listening to one of these such friends talk because I couldn't say the words "Where were you when I just needed to hear your voice?" It finaly hit me how much we all changed since high school. It seemed all I ever hear about from my friends that have moved away, no matter how small the move, are stories of drinking and sex. Maybe I AM overexagerating, but it seems I can't go a conversation these days without hearing a story about someone drinking or someone fucking someone. While sometimes it's just a friend of a friend, sometimes it is one of my friends. At first I just feel like it was just a phase and a rique story but now it's like 'don't you people have anything better to do? insert rant hereCollapse )
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
24 May 2005 @ 03:30 pm
*sigh* life has been hard lately. I just can't seem to get myself out of this funk. I've been so bummed lately I haven't been able to do anything. The pain is still constant, but it's not ususally that bad. I just don't really seem to care. And I hate being alone cause I'm so lonely but I don't like being with people either because after a few hours I start to hurt so bad that it's too hard to concitrate on what's going on. I don't really like making plans to get together with people either because I know there's nothing really that interesting we can do together due to my pain, and that eventually I'll be in so much pain I have to kick them out. While I know it doesn't matter to them, the fact that I have to kick them out is what bothers me the most.
My sense of hope is so far gone I either have tears streaming down my face for no reason, or feel to empty to cry. To empty to do anything about it.

This may change when my mood does, but I really see no reason to have a birthday party. sorry guys, but at the moment I'd feel like I'd be throwing one for everyone else except myself.
Current Mood: empty
13 March 2005 @ 02:34 pm
I was playing around this morning when I began looking through IMDB.com’s recent celebrity news ‘blips.’ Apparently Boy George doesn’t like Queer Eye for the straight Guy. I believe he used the word “poncey.” Not that Boy George’s opinion has a great influence on me one way or another but it did get me thinking.
Even before the show aired I remember thinking “What a gimmick..... I’m gonna watch that.” And that’s what the show is, a make-over show with a gimmick. Sure I like the show but a gimmick’s a gimmick. Then I got to thinking that even with America’s homophobia these five gay men got leading roles in the show. I remember thinking that their popularity soared over night, and how revolutionary it was.
But as I think about it is it really that impressive? I mean no offense to the shows cast or crew I am merely observing mainstream American pop culture here. If you watch the show you might be surprised by some of the ‘non-gay’ things they do in it, but in the end we’re really keeping them in stereotypical roles, cooking, fashion interior design, culture, grooming, almost as if we’re keeping them where we’re comfortable with them. Well ok Not ‘almost as if’ we are keeping them where we’re comfortable with them. And that’s not really changing anything.

Hey ash I'm thinking of changing my username. Would it be possible to get a code from you? I keep forgetting to ask!